The General Election is nearly upon us and I am poised, ready to mark a cross in a box. But which box?
I don’t take a huge amount of interest in politics, because politicians make politics mind numbingly dull. Hand me a copy of the New Statesman and I glaze over. I have more of an appetite for salacious goss about Jennifer’s Aniston, Lopez and Garner than I do the political leanings of MP’s Cameron, Miliband and Farage.
But I want my roads surfaced, my NHS free, my schools invested in. I want my taxes fair and my fellow humans born into developing countries looked after. (Foreign aid: Farage wants to cut it. I learned that the other day. That’s right, I bloody learned something political.) So of course I am interested in politics.
From where I’m standing, which is on a ledge very close to knowing absolutely nothing about any political party or their leaders, they all seem like a bunch of blithering idiots. With the election nearing I found myself taking a little more interest than usual, putting down my copy of <<generic glossy magazine with Jennifer Aniston’s continued wedding dilemmas all over the cover>> long enough to watch the televised debate a few weeks ago. Our seven potential leaders stood on their podiums and battled, not with swords, but with words, scoffing at each other’s ideas, spluttering and spitting all over their mics.
They were there to dazzle us with their charm and win over swing voters like myself. But charm me they did not. I didn’t want any one of them to lead my country. Can we have Obama? He’s pretty much done with America, isn’t he? I always liked him, I think he’s a smooth operator with a trustworthy face. That’s what politics needs. A poster boy.
David Miliband would have been good. I like the shape of his face. But his funny looking brother has the reigns while David is off in New York killing time before he becomes king of the world. (It must be true, I read it in the Sunday Times.)
At best, Farage stole the show at the debate. Cool, calm, collected, he outshone the others with his banter and quick wit. But he represents UKIP. I can’t possibly vote UKIP just because I saw their leader do an alright job of being on telly. That’s what I did last time. I saw Vince Cable do ever so well in a debate leading up to the last election and decided, on the basis of that alone, that I’d vote Lib Dem. I don’t know what any of their policies are, nor have I taken much interest in what they’ve achieved since I (single handedly) got them into power.
Having recently feasted on the excellent House of Cards, I am led to believe Americans take a massive interest in politics. Crowds swarm at political rallies. Placards are hammered into everyone’s gardens. Here, it’s all just a bit half arsed, really, isn’t it? I don’t know anyone who attends political rallies or lets their political point of view be known in their garden. We all like to be very secretive about it, don’t we?
Not me. Like most things in life, I’ll blog about my feelings.
So, who the hell to vote for? When I was at uni studying film, I made a short film about the merits of hemp. The Green Party were kind enough to put their logo to our film. I was so chuffed, I vowed to vote for them for the rest of my life.
But I hear they’ve made a bit of a mess of Brighton and people tell me voting for Green is a wasted vote. So, again I ask myself, who the hell to vote for?
A friend put a link on Facebook for the Telegraph’s handy little questionnaire that’ll lead you to your party. You can do it yourself here.
It turns out, my political leanings are a 62% match to the Green Party. Go hemp!
Second up was UKIP, with a 46% match. If voting Green is a wasted vote, am I really to be expected to vote UKIP? It’s not exactly socially acceptable, is it?
Apparently the important thing is to use your vote tactically. Get Conservatives out. That’s what a clever friend of mine told me, before we were interrupted by something more interesting (I think it was an Easter egg) and I never got to the bottom of why the Conservatives need booting out and what I should do with my vote in order to ensure this happens.
Come May 7th, I’ll be marking a cross in a box. But I doubt it’ll have much to do with policies. Someone just needs to win me over with a witty monologue and I’m all theirs. Just ask Vince Cable. Vincey, as I like to call him.
If anyone wants to break it down into layman’s terms and comment below, I’m all ears. The suffragettes went to a spot of trouble to give me the right to vote, so I don’t want to waste my opportunity. Who the shit can we trust with the keys to our country? Any ideas? Anyone? Don’t say Russell Brand.