• AUTHOR: // CATEGORY: Courses and Classes, Doing Things, Funny Ha Ha, Money, Opinion Piece



    Eyes. They are the window to the soul, aren’t they?

    Well, mine aren’t. Mine are broken.

    My dear mother passed on her crap-eye genes to all three of her daughters. Two in a ‘funny ha-ha’ kind of blind way where we scrabble about for our glasses in the morning and make ourselves 87% better looking through the wearing of contact lenses. And one in an actually blind, it’s not funny at all kind of way. My brother, the lucky bugger, has eyes like a hawk.

    I was told I needed help with my vision when I was 16 and I wasn’t allowed to jump straight to contact lenses. Being vain and insecure I burst into tears and told my optician that I definitely couldn’t wear glasses and did he really want me to walk out of that darkened room in tears to the worried looks of those in the waiting room? No he did not. So I was given contact lenses, or tom cat lenses, as I called them when I was cute and small.

    And I wore them every day for the next 14 years. I loved them. We should just take a moment here to celebrate the invention of contact lenses. A flimsy bit of glass you poke on to your eyeball which gives you perfect vision? Amazing. Ok, I’d sometimes forget to take them out at night when I was a drunken youth, waking up the next day feeling like I’d washed my eyes out with sandpaper, but it was my own fault. Overall, they were the best thing to happen to vain, insecure people like me since Max Factor.

    But then they invented something even better. Laser eye surgery.

    Lasers. Zapping into your soul windows. It seems crazy to even risk tinkering with my big brown beauties, but then again, I shove flimsy glass onto them every day with my germ riddled fingers so maybe it is sensible to spend 90 seconds being zapped in return for never having to wear lenses again.

    “I’m off to Laser Quest to get zapped in the eyeball”

    The funny ha-ha blind sister has already done it. She’s a lot braver than me and a bit of a bionic woman. Laser hair removal, some kind of traumatic hip displacement surgery and lasered eyes – she’s done it all.

    The other sister is sadly stuck with permanent blindness, the kind lasers can’t fix.

    I am blessed with the choice. So on Friday, I’m off to Laser Quest to get zapped in the eyeball. I presume there are no statistics about people getting lasered and being blinded permanently, although I haven’t googled it because I am scared.

    Ok, I’ve just googled it. A Daily Mail article is first up and the good news is the Daily Mail tell me lasers CANNOT (their capitals) make you go blind. So that’s good.

    I’m also told the burning smell is not your eyeball but in fact carbon atoms generated by the laser. Bloody urban legends.


    Oh my blinded eye, I just found this image. Christ on a bike that looks traumatic.

    Why google anything, ever? I was happier when I was ignorant.

    I’ve had to wear my glasses all week. My optician tells me that contact lenses change the shape of my eyeball and so are not allowed for seven days preceding surgery, to allow the eyeball to go back to its normal shape – which for me is a big bulging rugby ball thanks to astigmatism.

    I hate glasses. They keep slipping off my nose and they make me feel tired, not to mention being 87% less attractive, as I mentioned earlier when I was being vain and insecure. I think it’s a lie that lenses change the shape of your eye. I think they just want me to wear my glasses loads so that I don’t back out of the surgery after googling horrible images.

    It’ll take 90 seconds per eye, I’m told. Then boom, I’ll be ready to stand up and be counted.┬áBecause the main reason I’m forking out a zillion pounds to zap my eyes is that I believe life might not always be as cushy as it is now. We’ve been blessed, our generation. We know not the world wars of our grandparents. We know only of www.contactlenses.co.uk delivering our lenses whenever we ask. But what if all that changes? What if the world turns to shit and only the fittest survive?

    When Armageddon comes, I want to be one of these guys:


    Not one of these guys:


    So think of me on Good Friday, when you’re having a lie in and commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus Christ by eating lots of chocolate. I’ll be having the first layer of my eye skin peeled back by a surgeon, so that the lasers can get to the good stuff. I may or may not double the number of daughters my mother has had who can see. Watch this space (with your eyes) and I’ll report back next week if I can see. If not I’ll just go really quiet.


7 Responses to Eye eye, captain.

  • Mick & Anafia Turner wrote on March 28, 2013 at 11:28 //

    Best of luck tomorrow – we will be thinking of you XXXX

  • Kimberley Willis wrote on March 28, 2013 at 11:42 //

    Thank you! So nervous… just going to count to 90 and will it to be over! xx

  • Laura wrote on March 28, 2013 at 4:30 //

    I’ve had laser eye surgery! Had it way back in the day (about six years ago I think) and OH MY GOODNESS WOW OMG AMAZE. It’s brilliant. It does smell a bit like burning, and the fact they clamp your eye open is a bit terrifying, and the LIES about it being painless afterwards and going back to work the next day are lies indeed. But the surgery is really fast and doesn’t hurt at all. It’s just a bit uncomfortable. I had an eye test last week and I still have 20/20 vision despite being a -9 in my right eye and -8.25 in my left previously (I too blame my parents).

    One thing I would mention though: you may suffer with dry eyes for a few months, and in my case a few years after, so make sure you ask for eye gel not drops. The gel really helps with the early morning soreness. Although you won’t be able to rub your eyes for a few weeks because of the night goggles. Attractive much.

    All the best tomorrow lovely! xx

  • Kimberley Willis wrote on March 28, 2013 at 4:44 //

    Wow that’s some pretty blind eyes you had there! I could pretty much qualify as a pilot by comparison!

    Ok this is very encouraging – but YEARS of dry eyes!?  xx

  • Laura wrote on March 28, 2013 at 4:50 //

    Sadly so. It’s only mainly annoying. Still. Better than losing your glasses in the event of shipwreck (genuine fear of mine when I was little. THANKS Anything To Survive).

  • Kenna Stalker wrote on March 28, 2013 at 8:00 //

    Good luck for tomorrow Kim, you are incredibly brave! I have 20/20 vision but worry myself silly thinking of a time in the future when I might need glasses as I know I wont be brave enough for laser treatment! Let us all know how it goes…. you may just make a believer out of me after reading this! xx

  • Kimberley Willis wrote on March 29, 2013 at 7:54 //

    Thanks Kenna – I shall report back xx


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